Why do women feel obligated to forgive our abusers

I came across something on Facebook that really made me angry to the point that I had to respond several times. It was a woman that was shot five times by her brother, which left her without an eye. Her brother was facing 45 years in prison, but the victim went to court and spoke up for her brother. Yes, this woman went to jail and spoke to the judge. Her brother got a lesser sentence. The man that nearly killed her and left her permanently damaged didn't have to do the 45 years that he was initially  facing. Her reason for forgiving her brother was that he was drunk. She doesn't believe that he would have shot her if he wasn't under the influence of a substance.

What bothers me about this whole situation is that women feel obligated to forgive men so easy. Especially black woman. This is rooted in religion. Black women are taught at a young age to forgive no matter what. No matter what a man does, we are taught to forgive and endure whatever pain was inflicted on us. Far too many women were taught to endure mental and physical pain caused by men. Our brothers, spouses, and fathers.We have been told to forgive and forget no matter how bad the abuse is, and no matter how it leaves us physically and mentally damaged.

This woman is left without an eye, and people are saying that her story is inspirational because she forgave her brother. Why is forgiveness always benefiting the person that caused harm? This young woman, like most woman, are taught to excuse the bad behavior of men, especially men in our families. This is not an inspirational story, this is a tragic story.

Generational Depression

Generational Depression, the Saga of Pain will Continue

Many of us come from a family full of people that battled mental health problems. Whether it was depression, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, or addictions. Many of us come from a family that suffered while self medicating and self sabotaging. We may not have known what was going on exactly, growing up among family members with mental health problems, but we knew there were some toxic people.

 Nobody spoke about seeing a counselor, going to therapy or taking psych medication. In Urban Communities, we are told to just turn it over to God and keep praying. Or, let it go and pray. These methods have not improved our lives or our communities. We are suffering and it is being passed down from generation to generation. It is a curse. If you look at many families, there is a generational curse that is being buried over and over and people are suffering. We become comfortable and absorbed in our suffering. Suffering and pain becomes a part of life and we expected. So we don't talk about it or complain about. Therefore we won't admit that we need help for our conditions. It impossible to get help, of you don't know you have a problem. Many of our families in the Black Community have a family history of depression and we don't recognize and actually see pain and suffering as a way of life. Some of us come from families that have cases of molestation, teen pregnancies, addictions and mental health problems that are going unresolved from generation to generation.

We saw individuals drinking, smoking and over eating to mask pain and depression. This was all normal to me. Growing up as a child, I just thought that people liked to drink, smoke, and engage in certain activities. I couldn't connect the dots and see that maybe they were trying to escape pain and abuse. 

 Mental health is still a taboo subject in urban communities. People are ashamed and fear being ridiculed for asking for help. Most individuals will go through their childhood and adulthood without being diagnosed because they don't want to be called crazy or sick. The truth is, the more we try to suppress our mental health problems with drugs, sex and over spending, we will never get down to the truth. We will never get to the core of the problem and dissect what is going in within us.

This pain continues be recycled down from generation to generation. If we do not seek therapy, closure, support groups, we will only pass the pain down to our children and grandchildren. We will only get worse as long as we self medicate. We must observe our children and listen to their needs. We cannot mute our children when they are going through issues at school, with their friends or their fears about the future. We cannot be afraid to put our children into counseling session or get our children grief counseling when they lose a loved one. We have to be the shelter for our children and watch for early signs of Mental Health problems and substance abuse. We cannot pretend like problems will fix themselves or just hand it over to our spiritual beliefs.

Social Media and Depression

Is social media keeping you depressed? Are you spending too much time browsing and scrolling through facebook, Instagram, and SnapChat to look at friends, co-workers and old class mates living their best life. How often to you come across a page of someone celebrating a wedding anniversary, a graduation, or relaxing on vacation with family? Do you allow these images to make you evaluate your own life?

We often look at these images and began to compare them to our own lives. Even if we are happy for our old classmate's wedding, or baby shower, we still tend to think "what about me?"
Or "when am I going to find the love of my life or go back to school to get that master's degree."
We have a tendency to live vicariously through others and sabotage ourselves if we are not making progress at the same pace as others. This can lead to shame, guilt and depression.

The truth is, people can create the perfect life on social media. The happy couple laying on a sandy beach is not going to announce that their vacation will take 3 years to pay off. The happy newly weds will not broadcast how they are struggling financially. We do not see what's really going on behind the smiles, parties, expensive trips, and special engagements.
We cannot allow the lives of others to make us feel unworthy or feel unaccomplished. It's human nature to compare your life to others, but the truth is, you are comparing your life to a lie. You are comparing yourself to another person's image they created for their followers. This can make you feel like you are not accomplished if you are comparing yourself to others.

Take breaks from social media. I know social media can be addictive and a way to kill time, but a few days off can help you evaluate your life and future. Always remember that things are not always the way they appear on social media. A  person in debt can make themselves look  like a millionaire through pictures. An unhappy family can make themselves appear to be a perfect model family. You cannot compare yourself to a bunch of happy images. This is self sabotaging and it only leads to depression. Especially if you already suffer from depression, watching people portray perfection will not help your mental state.