Pain and Abuse, Let's talk about Domestic Violence (Part 1)

Victims of Domestic Violence in the Black community have been thrown under the  carpet for years. Women are being beaten down physically, mentally, and verbally without any help from the black family. The misconception that women can leave a violent relationship at any time is a myth. Some women are afraid to leave and some have been murdered for trying to get away for their abusers. Many women have nowhere to go and have been isolated from friends and family. Onlookers must take into consideration that many abusers keep their victims submissive and usually without resources or a means to get out. Some abused women have been abused for so long that they have become immune to abuse.

When young women children witness abuse in the home, they grow to feel like it's natural even though what they witnessed was painful. That is why so many women  get comfortable as a victim, because the abuse is close to home like putting on a pair of slippers. Even if they are slapped and hit everyday, they feel the physical pain, but they expect it. It's sad that women get into relationships and they already expect to be abused. They expect to be verbally and mentally abused. Some are so emotionally numb to this type of pain that they don't run with they see signs. Throughout my life I have witnessed so many other women in our black communities being abused by men. This behavior becomes expected to many victims of violence. It is easy to tell a woman to leave. Both just like the abuser, the victim is mentally weak and sometimes don't think leaving is an option.

Pay Your Child Support (Part 1)

I often hear so many excuses on why an absent parent shouldn't have to pay child support or why a woman shouldn't file for child support for her child/children. If an absent parent can buy new clothes, make car notes, pay his bills, buy food to put in his mouth, spend money on entertainment........What is holding him back from taking financial responsibility for his child/children? Many people say things like "Money is not everything" or "Time is better than money". Let's step into reality everyone and face the facts.  A child cannot eat time. A child cannot cover himself/herself with time. A child cannot use time to start a college fund.

The truth is, having a child/children in the home creates many expenses like extra gas to get the children around, extra food, school supplies, clothing, shoes, toys, recreational activities. Anti child support online activists fail to think about how much money is need to raise a child. Even if the absent parent comes around to give hugs and kisses, the child still needs financial support. Many deadbeat parents come up with ever excuse to not support their children. Whether you hate the other parent, or you live in another state, or you are struggling. You still have obligations to your child. You can't call the light or gas company and tell them that you are not paying and you would like to "Spend Time" to cover the bill. You cannot go to a grocery store and get food and  pay the cashier with "Time" That is not how the world works. Everybody should know that, but still deadbeat parents will come up with every excuse on why they can't provide for their children.

My Best Advice for Single Mothers

10 things that single mothers should keep in consideration. My advice to mothers:

1. Your self worth is not determined by marriage or getting and keeping a man.

2. Being a single mother shouldn't stop you from dating or having sexual relations that are healthy.

3. Being a single mother is not a death sentence, you should be able to take breaks and enjoy some "me Time" This could include spa treatments, lunch dates, girls night at the movies, or a nature walk alone.

4.You don't have to settle because you are a single mother.  You do not have to settle for a broke unstable man.

5. As a single mother, you shouldn't have to give into struggle love, which is getting involved with a man that has nothing to offer but hardships and penis. This is the single guy that has no vehicle, still in college after multiple years with no degree, behind in child support and on probation/parole, or the brother that doesn't have his own housing or job. Don't feel like you have to struggle or support him because he's a nice guy struggling.

6.You need to rest. You are not a powerful machine. Lay down and rest. You don't have to stay up late every night washing clothes, dusting the furniture and trying to catch up on every show you recorded.

7. Invest in yourself. As stated before invest in beauty products, invest in your health, invest and save your money.

8. You are not a disease. Single mothers have been on planet earth since the beginning. Do not allow others to make you feel guilty for being a single mother. Don't ever let others discourage you or put shame on your for giving birth.

9. Be prepared for emergencies. Always have a close friend or a neighbor that you can go to in an emergency for childcare. Have money put away for emergencies.

10. Do not feel bad about splurging on something you really like. Maybe a new purse, makeup, perfumes, or a new pair of shoes.

Low Standards For Single Black Mothers

Why do men assume that Black Single mothers should lower their standards?
Men assume that black single mothers are desperate for love, attention and a warm body in their bed. Far too many men, make the assumption that single mothers should be grateful for what ever left over scraps they can get from a man. Oh, NO! This is so not true. Single mothers should have the highest standards and accept nothin but a quality man that is stable. Not just financially stable, but mentally stable as well. Single mothers can not give these men the benefit of the doubt or wait for a grown man to get his life together. Single mothers should aim for the man that is stable, healthy, and mature. Most women got into poor relationships, because we were taught to give a man the benefit of the doubt. We were taught to love a man despite his looks, career, or financial situation. That way of thinking got us in a lot of emotional trouble.

The Miseducation of the Strong Black Woman

The "Strong Black Woman" slogan or phrase offends sensitive people to the extreme.  The term "Strong Black Woman" has so many men pretending to be offended by the term. The truth is, I rarely hear women refer to themselves as strong. To be precise, I've only heard a black woman refer to herself as a "Strong Black Woman" on a few occasions.

Men don't want a strong black woman, That want a soft submissive woman that will agree with everything they want, grant their wishes and submit to them hand and foot. When a woman says she is a strong black woman, she is not saying that she is combative, argumentative, or always ready to physically fight. Being strong is about overcoming your past, your pain, and whatever obstacles where thrown in your way. Being a strong woman is fighting battles with no fears and moving past broken hearts, set backs and past failures. For example, a person will call themselves strong because they were able to beat a drug addiction, or they were able to find housing and work after being homeless and jobless for many years. No woman or man is wrong for patting themselves on the back for overcoming past hardships.

So why is it offensive when a black woman wears the tittle of being strong? Why can't a woman have inner strength? Why is strength within a black woman a bad thing? Women give birth, nurture children, take care of families, yet we are not allowed to be strong. We are expected to be strong, but we cannot wear the tittle. That is like a good husband taking care of home, feeding the family, and paying all the bills, but can't say he is the provider for the household. That is the issue with black women saying it. We can be strong, but we can't tell anybody. Sssshhh!!!

Did Welfare replace black fathers, or did fathers abandon their families by choice

Many people believe that the welfare system was set up to put black men out of the home so that black women would suffer and suffer in poverty. There are conscious community followers that believe black women put good black men out of the home in order to get food-stamps and cash aid from the government. My question is: Why would a woman put out a good hardworking man that she loves to suffer in poverty?

 I can't say that welfare was set up for this reason. Welfare was not started for black women. We need to stop believing these lies that the government wanted to give black women welfare so that the father/husband could be put out of the home. Many women needed welfare to survive when the husband died, abandoned the family, or when times got too hard and money was not available. There were women that lost their husband in death and had no insurance, as a result they had to sign up for welfare. There were men that chose drugs, crime or other women over their family.

The excuse for women being on welfare only makes the absent father or negligent husband look good. Now, a worthless no good man can leave his family, then tell the world that he was put out because of welfare. No woman is putting out a good hard working provider for crumbs. If your wife is willing to divorce you for some crumbs and some food stamps that come on an ebt card once a month, chances are, you were not providing. We need to stop with the excuses and face the facts and deal with the truth. Fabricating the truth will not change the facts. Many women needed welfare back then, and still today because they need help financially. I don't agree with welfare being a long term income, but there are women that would be homeless and hungry if it wasn't for welfare. Furthermore, the welfare system doesn't allow women to stay on the system forever. Women are encouraged to attend school, ready for work programs, or learn a trade There are time limits. No women or man can depend on welfare because there are time limits to how long you can receive assistant. We are not living in the 1960's. Things have changed.