Polygamy in the Conscious Community a Fetish or Rebuilding Black Families (part 1)

It is no secret that the black family structure is almost non-existence. Some men and women in the "conscious community" believe that Polygamy is the only way for every woman to have a man in the home and children to have a father. Some believe that Polygamy is the only way to nation build and bring the black family together. When I say Nation Build, I mean the black community being self-sufficient and families having their own resources to live on such as land, property, and foods.
I see this living arrangement as a way for men to have more than one woman in the house and have all of his sexual desires achieved while selling innocent women a dream.

Men are telling women that bringing an extra woman into the home will bring extra income or another home maker so that the wife/gf doesn't have to do as much work. If two women are working, cleaning, taking care of children and paying bills, this makes life easier for the man. The man who is head of the household usually requires submission from the women. There are several different ways a Polygamy arrangement operates, but for the most part, the man has multiple women helping him and sleeping with him. I honestly believe that this works in 3rd world countries were the women don't own land or have access to necessities like food, water, clothing or medical care.


As far as Polygamy goes, in other countries, the man is the provider for the entire family and doesn't require the other women to have sexual encounters with him. The main goal is to be a provider and make sure that all of the children have a father in the home. Within certain groups in The United States, this has turned into a sexual fetish where the man is allowed to bring another woman into the home for threesomes and other sexual encounters. Men are convincing women that they cannot be faithful, so bringing another woman into the home will stop him from going out an whoring around. Most women know that this is just another way for a man to convince a woman to allow the side chick into the home. Now, they don't have to sneak out to get extra pussy, he can just move the extra pussy into the house under the disguise that it's to better the family. If a family is living good with this arrangement, it is not up to me to tell them to stop living in their Polygamy arrangement. But when you have the random dude making 20k a year that can barely pay a mortgage convincing his wife that they can take in another woman, something is wrong. If your finances and credit is that bad, the last thing on your mind is bringing in another family. If a man doesn't have his own resources such as wealth, land, property, and vehicles, he will only bring another woman into the home to struggle.

Baby Moma vs Wife

I will start off by saying that a man should not allow his gf/wife to feud with his ex/mother of his child. Children should never be put in the middle of arguments and feuds. A good man will not play women against each other. Everyone should be responsible when going into a new relationship or ending an old relationship when children are involved.

It is often assumed that the ex/baby momma is jealous of the new relationship a man has with his new spouse. In some cases, the new gf is jealous of the baby momma because she is in the man's life permanently or at least until the child is 18 years old. A man will change girlfriends, sex partners, even wives over and over but the child and the child's mother are permanent. This can bring tension to a girlfriend because she knows that the ex and the child will always be in the man's life. Some women even look at the ex/baby momma as the other woman because the man has to interact with her. I hate that women think this way, it is unhealthy and unnecessary.


There are women that see the ex and the child/children as competition that will never go away. If you are a new girlfriend to a man with children, stay out of any drama between that man and his ex. After you depart from that man, he will still be attached to his child/children. You may be temporary. Chances are, you will not be in his life forever, that is the reality. So many women have regrets after investing in a man that was only temporary. I've had friends, co-workers and neighbors tell me how they got involved with a man that had a crazy relationship with the mother of his child/children. In the end, they were exhausted after a temporary situation that didn't result in a concrete relationship. My advice to all women..... You should never have to fight a man's battles with any of his ex's or baby mommas. A man should be responsible enough to fix any issues before he tries to court another woman. That might sound unrealistic for some, but a lot of stressful situations could and should be avoided.

In some situations, a man will encourage the feuding because it make him feel like a prize that two women are competing over. Some men use these unfortunate situations to feed his big ego. There are women that will play right into this and fight without realizing they are only building up his ego by playing a silly game of tug a war. A real man would never allow his ego to cloud his judgement.
For the record, I hate using the term "Baby Momma".

Mental health Support Requires More than Prayers

I recall overhearing conversations between the elders telling each other to pray and read the bible. Women complaining about men, children, jobs, struggles, and every other concern. The advice was usually to get in the bible and say some prayers. Sometimes, specific scriptures were given out to those that were willing to take the advice. I witnessed women crying out in churches every Sunday hoping that prayers would make all the pain go away. Women suffering were told to hang on and keep praying. Women had to cry silently and usually in private because the stress of the world was weighing them down. What they really needed was support from other women, quiet time, mediation, support groups, therapy and or counseling. They needed a vacation for a few days to relax and breath, however, women were told to pray and let time go by. This was no help and it didn't improve conditions. Sitting back saying  prayers while you are overwhelmed and overburden is the recipe for a mental breakdown. Worrying, stress and depression should be taken seriously. When someone tell me to just pray when I complain about stressors of the world, I know they are only giving me advice that was given to them. Sometimes it comes off as a bit sarcastic, but the truth is, many women that are suffering with depression think it's taboo to seek mental health counseling or get advice from a professional. From generation to generation, black women have been told to turn all of their problems to God and pray. We have suffered with a false hope that a prayer will make all of the pain disappear, or prayer will give us the strength to endure more pain. We have been taught accept pain and depression. We have been told that pain and suffering leads to strength or that our pain is just a part of our future testimonies.

The truth is, we shouldn't have to suffer when there is help available. There is professional help, medication, and therapy. How long will we carry mental scars? How long will we carry overweight baggage of pain that will weigh us down, paralyze us, and kill dreams.

Women supporting Men in Prison (Part 1)

This is a topic that really affected me growing up as a young woman. I've seen this scenario growing up within my own family. Grown black women supporting and loving men in prison. I'm not just talking about supporting a boyfriend or a husband. I'm also talking about mothers, aunts, and grandmothers supporting men in the family. You know, the nephew that stole a car or the grandson that refuse to snitch on his gang associates. These women were constantly sending money, packages, and showing up on visiting day with a purse filled with quarters to buy goodies out of the jailhouse vending machines.

I witnessed women would take out loans or pawn jewelry to feed and care for grown men in prison. It didn't matter if they were in jail for something minor like shoplifting, or a murder.  Some of these women met these men in prison as pen pals, and later became their financial support system. I've actually witnessed this in my own family with my own relatives and other women they met on prison trips. Grown women spending their light bill and grocery money on a rental car or a greyhound ticket to go see an inmate. It was sad seeing grown women who were proud to have an inmate lover. These women would often brag and cheer about sending the most quality underwear and snacks in boxed up packages for their criminal husbands. Some would even brag about how their men only would eat a certain brand of crackers or cookies. It was sad that these beautiful black women fell deep in love with a murderer or a bank robber that was going to spend the next 20 years trapped in a cage. What was also hard to watch, was the pride these
women had. Some were educated women with nice homes, and great careers, yet they fell deep in love with an incarcerated spouse.

Watching these black women neglect themselves and their children for love was heartbreaking. They were willing to take from their own households to make sure their inmate lovers supported. Children went without school clothes, school supplies, or recreational activities because the jailhouse lover became priority to momma. Also, the continuous collect calls that sometimes resulted in house phones being disconnected. I recall very well, women pawning jewelry and electronics to pay a $400 phone bill. Or women driving for 4 hours or more every week until their car couldn't drive any further. Grown men sat in prison running up phone bills, begging for packages, and anxiously waiting for money to be put on their commissary. The women showed no shame. They took care of the grown criminals as if they were precious delicate babies. They did it with love and devotion. Even if it meant they had to suffer along with their children.

Black Women criticized for having high expectations in a Man

This may sound cute in the beginning, trying to prove to a man that you only want his love and time. These women claim that all they need is time, love and attention. Even if you don't require a man to pay your bills or rent, he should still have steady income and some form of education or skills to fall back on. Black women have been submitting to struggle love for too long. Too many sistas think they are not qualified to date a man that is financially stable or educated. When I hear a woman say, or a woman make a facebook status about only needing a man for time and love; I assume that she doesn't know her self-worth and think she is only worthy of a broke struggling men.

It's heartbreaking to see so many women that don't believe they are worthy of a good stable man with an education/career.
I'm positive, that these women do want a good qualified man, but in order to lure a man in, they feed them lies about only wanting his love and nothin else. I never hear men say things like " I don't want her pussy, I just want her love and time" or "I don't require anything from her, but love and attention". Women are using this fake "struggle Love" as a way to get the attention of men. Stop lying to these men. You need more than just love. If you are giving a man your time, heart, feelings, vagina, he should be bringing more than just attention. Stop creating the illusion that women don't need anything but love. Men do not start out loving your or giving you all of their time, so how can any woman only request those things.

The last thing that Black women should do is teach our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, and little sisters, is to only require love and time from a man. Love will not fix the car, love will not keep the electricity going, love with not put food in the pantry. Stop lying to these men. There are other ways to attract men besides lying and feeding them a fraudulent fantasy of not needing anything. A man is not giving you love from day one. Usually their goal is to get you in bed. So stop having low standards and tricking our black men into believing that they can come with nothin but love and attention.

Natural Hair Vs Weaves/Wigs/Relaxers

I am so tired of men in the so called "conscious community" making the rules and regulations on how black women should wear their hair. I've seen posts and memes all over twitter, facebook, and youtube involving men telling women how they should wear their hair and why they shouldn't wear weave or chemicals. I hate the way these grown men will try to make women feel guilty for wearing a relaxer or hair extensions. The same men that claim they hate weaves and lacefront wigs will sleep with a weave wearing vixen in a heart beat. The same men that claim they are too conscious for a perm wearing sister are the same men that will cheat on their dreadlock wearing wife for a lacefront diva at the club. Women need to do what makes them comfortable and happy. Don't let anybody shame you into cutting your hair or retiring your pressing comb because they feel they you have more control over your head than you. I know sisters what will never perm or wear weave. I'm all for that, because I am a natural sister myself, however, if I decided to dye my hair, or wear a wig, I will not wait on anybody to give me permission.

I spoke to a woman a few days ago that admitted that if she ever  cut her dreads or went back to perming that all hell with break lose with her husband. She confided in me that she was tired of dreads and hated that she is very limited with styling, but she knew that cutting her dreads would be like cheating on her husband. I offered her the best advice I could give. I know she is not the only woman going through this hair crisis with a man.

I am a natural sister, because I chose to be natural. I needed a break from perming and weaving, in addition to spending so much money at every beauty supply on every corner. I haven't permed or pressed my hair in over 5 years. I usually wear afro ponytails or head scarves, and I still don't believe I'm in a position to criticize grown women on what is best for their hair.

The Overworked Depressed Black Woman

Depression has been a another taboo subject within the black community for as long as I can remember. Especially for women. We all knew of a grandmother in the neighborhood that had a house full of children and grandchildren, overworked and unappreciated. Or the mother that has to work, take care of children, then come home and cook and cater to an ungrateful husband. Let's not forget about the single mother that is overwhelmed, exhausted but has to present her kids with the image of being supermom. Oh, let's not forget the woman struggling through college, working, and paying bills at home and being a care giver to younger siblings or a parent.

Many of our sisters are overwhelmed and depressed. Tired and deflated with stress and constant worry. Worrying about bills, work, children, health, the future, and lost dreams. We walk around with a smile and kind words when we are greeted, but we are carrying bulks of steel in our soul. Tears remain on the inside, while we wear a smile so that we don't have to constantly tell the world what is wrong. So many of us are dying on the inside, carrying enough dead weight to smothering our spirits.


I've witnessed so many sisters suffer and struggle with Depression as well as other mental Health problems. I'm sure we all know of someone that battled post partum depression. Or maybe you or someone that you know wake up everyday wishing they would have stayed asleep. Many women, especially mothers in the Black Communities are battling depression everyday but smiling to hide all the pain and hurt. We as women work hard, take care of children, and attend to the needs of people around us. Being a working mother, are job is never done. It is rare for a working mother to take a break without feeling guilty or hearing the complaints of others. Women are usually working so hard continually without taking care of themselves. We usually have to put our health issues to the side in order to keep our family running. We can't complain too much, because complaining doesn't make matters any better.

Growing up, I was always taught that prayer was the answer to everything
Bills overdue? You better pray!
Running low on food? You need to get down and pray?
You feel pain in your back? Well, start praying!
Problems in the family? Girl, you know what to do, Pray all them problems away.