Is the polyamorous community based in misogyny?

 

I have come across so many different podcast and reels talking about polyamory and how it is the answer to cheating and holding marriages together. Some women have agreed to indulge in the lifestyle because they are bisexual and want the best of both worlds. Polyamory is a form of ethical or consensual non-monogamy. It involves maintaining committed, intimate, and romantic relationships with more than one person at a time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

 Some people just need variety and have a desire to love more than one person while getting their sexual needs fulfilled by multiple people. Does this benefit everyone involved? Couples have different agendas, rules, and goals for their open relationship. Some date as a V which means that everything is usually separate. Some date as a triangle and everyone involved in connect and have a relationship with each other even if the women only have a platonic relationship.

What does this really mean for women? Women are usually expected to commit and be faithful to the man in these polyamorous relationships, while men are able to explore with new partners and pick whom he want for dates, trips, and nightcaps. Should women commit and to a man that wants to exercise his options while rubbing it all in his partners face? Some view poly relationships as supervised cheating. A woman knows her man will cheat so she wants to screen the other women or take a peak into the other woman's life and give input on how he should entertain the other woman. All of this is rooted in misogyny.  Its sad that some of these men are purposely setting up these arrangements to make a woman feel inferior or like she is in competition with other women to win a man in return. 

The big question is do these women really want to participate in these relationships that allows the man to have additional women and every woman accepts their role? Is this the only way a woman will have a man in her life? Are women in these relationships allowed to have another man friend or sexual partners of the opposite sex? If not, is are these really open relationships or a cheat code for men to entertain other women in peace? These are questions that women need to answer for themselves before they join a couple or allow another person into their relationship.

After watching a podcast on YouTube with a group of women and men having a discussion, the women felt like the men were misogynistic and using the Polyamorous label to be serial daters and sleep with multiple women while disguising their behavior as being open and honest instead of lying. This is not how an open relationship should work. These relationships still come with responsibilities and all parties involved she be honest. Men have are using polyamourous relationships to bring in multiple partners and the real goal is sex.Just like a man going out the cheat is doing it as an escape outlet and the goal is usually sex. This is all rooted in misogyny where the women have to remain modest while a man can play women against each other and disguise it as being in an open relationship. If the relationship is really open, why is the woman expected to commit and not have another man. Why is the woman expected to commit and not sleep with anyone else. Usually women are allowed to sleep with other women and it is usually for the pleasure of the man. 

Women feel happier and Liberated after Divorce

When I see headlines of a celebrity couple getting a divorce, or someone announces on social media they are separating, I never feel sad. I feel as if the relationship took it's toll , became unbearable and something had to give. Separation and divorce is the start to a new beginning. For any two people to separate means the relationship became a burden filled with unhappiness. Whatever caused the separation whether cheating, money problems, abuse, or substance abuse, it is always best to withdraw from a relationship that is draining the happiness out of us.

Some women will stay in a relationship because of security, children, social pressure, or the image of being in a relationship. Women have been pressured to always have a man or to be on the hunt for one. Society has placed pressure on women to the point some of us feel unfulfilled if a man is not involved in our lives.

I have seen a new group of women in this generation that are happier after divorce. Women are no longer walking in shame after divorce. Divorce is a new beginning to a new life. You do not need a husband to travel, accomplish goals, feel loved, or fit into social norms. No woman should stay in a marriage because she wants to create a certain image to make others feel comfortable. Staying in an unhealthy marriage is depressing as well as toxic. Women are learning this and leaving their cheating spouses and abusive lovers to find peace and self love. Divorce means starting all over for a newly divorced woman, but it doesn't mean pain and bitterness. It's a time to celebrate while leaving the baggage and pain behind.

Abortion Facts, The Truth and the New Laws

It is not uncommon to find a woman that has not had an abortion or considered abortion for an unplanned pregnancy. Birth control fails, relationships fail and some women have no other choice but to terminate a pregnancy. I know that women are shammed for terminating a pregnancy and its usually because of religion or their culture. The truth is, the Laws are changing and more women are finding it harder to gain access to birth control. Some states have certain rules and regulations for obtaining birth control. Now with Alabama putting a ban on abortions, this will be a problem. Many women are already struggling with children. Married couples are struggling emotionally and financially. So if a woman forget to take her birth control pill or a condom breaks, there will be no way for the mother to abort. What does this mean to a couple that wish not to have more children? What does this mean to a college girl that had sex with her boyfriend and didn't use protection? What does this mean for a woman that is taking birth control and her birth control fails. Let's face it, birth control is not 100% effective. You can easily be that person that becomes pregnant after getting a birth control shot or using a condom.

Now, with the proposed ban in Alabama, more women will be forced to give birth even if they were raped. I could not imagine having to carry a baby for a rapist. Women will be forced to do this. In addition, imagine the emotional turmoil for having to carry, birth, and raise a child that you were forced to have. A lot of children will end up in the foster system, or abused and neglected. Also, we have to consider children that have birth defects. Mothers will be forced to birth them as well and raise them. 

There are mothers that are already in bad financial situations and cannot afford to birth another child. Even married couples are going through hardships. Bringing another child into a poor situation will make things worse for the family and the unexpected child. 

Domestic Violence Awareness and why women feel Obligated To Stay

When we think of Domestic violence we tend to think of movies like Enough starring Jennifer Lopez, or Sleeping with the Enemy. In movies like this, the victim fights back and escape as the hero. In real life, stories of domestic violence don't usually end like the movies. Unfortunately, victims of domestic violence have to escape with their children and hide out in a battered women's shelter. Some victims stay with the abuser out of fear.

People often believe that women want to stay with their abuser because they are deep in love. Even if the victim is in love with her abuser, it is still not a reason to blame the victim. This is a form of Stockholm syndrome, in which the victim sympathize with their abuser and never reach out for help. The victim also sees the abuser as a victim and will make up excuses for him. Maybe he was abused as a child and the victim sympathize with him.

Victims stay for many reasons. In many cases the victim don't have a support system or family to rely on. Financial dependency is one of the reasons that victims are afraid to venture out of the relationship. Many victims of domestic violence have a family history of abuse and neglect. They may have seen their mom, aunts, or older neighbors get mentally and physically abused. In these cases, the victim feels as if mental and physical abuse is normal. They may view  physical abuse as a life circumstance that cannot be avoided.

It is common for abusers to isolate the victim from their family and friends in order to mentally control them. Without family support, the victim will feel more challenged to leave the abuser.
Usually feeling isolated and believing that the abuser is the only person she can depend on. Telling a  victim that nobody love them, or nobody cares about them is a mental game that abusers use to mentally control their victim. The abuser will break down the victim's self esteem and make them feel as if they deserve the abuse. The abuser may have convinced people around him that he is a decent person, and the victim is the combative one in the relationship. A classic case of a narcissist.

Women are not enjoying their time with the abuser as some people have assume. Victims live in isolation and fear. Victims tend to stay because of  lack of self love, lack of resources, dependency,  no family support and fear of being harmed for trying to escape. Never assume that a victim wanna be with their abuser. If you know someone that is being abused, be supportive and help them find a way out.

Women are proudly refusing to Submit to their men

The obsession that men have with making women become submissive doormats is a bit irritating. I come across so many meme's about independent women not cooking for their men, or strong women with degrees that refuse to clean for their men. We currently live in the year 2019. We are not living in the 1950's, back when the man was the bread winner because women were less likely to get hired or get loans to start their own business.

I will not submit to a man simply because he has XY chromosomes. I will not submit simply because a man has a penis and produces semen. I will not submit simply because a man is psychically stronger or taller in height. Some men think that having a submissive woman is their birth right. There are men walking around that actually think that because they have a penis, that women are suppose to cater to their needs and obey their commands just because. Men are still in denial about how the world has turned and why women are no longer weak submissive lap dogs. These men want a woman that will not question them when they've been out cheating all night. They want their women to be delayed and not use common sense in order to keep her man comfortable and content. Men want a submissive woman that will go along with whatever he dishes out, just to keep a false sense of peace in the house.

In my experience, submissive women become dependent on their spouse and never question anything or use their own judgement. 

Non submissive women are considered combative, loud, too independent, or too outspoken. Men are looking for a woman that they can control and over power. They want to control a woman's thoughts, the way she dresses, the way she spends her money and the way she uses her sexuality. 

Women are proudly refusing to submit, some even refusing to get into relationships. Women shouldn't have to be treated like a child, in order to make a man feel masculine. Women should not have to be mute in order to not sabotage a man's sensitive ego. Women are becoming more aware of their value and worth, and are refusing to submit to an unworthy man simply because of his testosterone. Unfortunately we have men that believe that women should submit to them just because. Not because they are wealthy providers, or because they are educated and established. Men actually believe that having a penis make them worthy of being a leader and having a submissive follower.

Is there ever a good time to go through your man's phone

Have you ever had a gut feeling that something was wrong in your relationship? Maybe you thought your man was hiding something or sneaking with someone at his job? Perhaps you noticed him being very secretive with his phone. If you ever had these thoughts, you probably have tried to find secrets in his phone.

Some might say that going through your spouse's phone without his permission is searching for pain. Or, you are looking for something to be wrong and will more than likely misinterpret any information the wrong way. You may see some business text messages between him and his lady co-worker and misinterpret the messages as flirting. That is the downfall of sneaking through a phone. In many cases, if you have to go through a phone means you lack trust. Maybe you've caught him cheating in the past and going through his phone is the quicker way to find out if he's cheating again. Or maybe you think your man is hiding some personal issues like a drug or a gambling habit. Sometimes a woman will go through her partner's phone because she suspect substance abuse or other personal problems. It may not be an infidelity issue. Maybe he's lying about his children, job or finances. You can't always expect a man to tell you everything, especially when you first meet. A man will present himself as "Mr Perfect" with no flaws. Some women take it upon themselves to serve for clues and answers. Maybe your spouse has become distant and you want to see if he's spending time on dating apps or texting another person.

Is there ever really a good time to go through a person's phone? This is a difficult question because you never know what you will do when your are desperate for answers. I would say that if you think your relationship is on it's last legs and have lost hope, why not? Or if you think you are in danger and your spouse is keeping secrets, you may find the info in his phone. Also, if a man has nothing to hide and he's honest, then there is nothing in his phone that can cause harm.

I personally have never went through a man's phone, I have checked pockets and wallets before. Not proud of being a snooper, but I needed precise information....unfortunately I didn't find anything good or bad. So I kept wondering and asking questions. Eventually I was drained and didn't think the relationship was worth holding on to. So we split.

More women prefer to remain single longer

Women are no longer feeling the need to be confined to a relationship. More women are driven by career, financial security, education, and self sustainability. It is no longer a goal for women to graduate from college and walk down the aisle with a spouse. Women are getting married and having children later in life.

As I get older, I do not see a need to rush into a relationship and tie myself down to a spouse. Even casual dating can be draining and overwhelming. Trying to balance children, career, and mental health can be exhausting enough. Adding a relationship to the equation can feel like a full time job with no breaks or time off. Being in a relationship is like two adult baby sitting one another. Two adults trying hard to keep each other happy and occupied. It should come natural, instead of feeling like work..That may sound exaggerated, but the truth is relationships can feel like punching in a clock and working to make somebody happy. Especially if you have a mate that is clingy and wants to constantly stay connected through phone calls and text messages.

I met a young man a few months ago that constantly called me during work hours, Even after I told him I don't take personal calls during the day. He continued to text me and would get uneasy when I didn't text back or answer my phone. I had to cut him off immediately because I didn't want to be responsible for constantly checking my phone or constantly keeping another adult occupied. He didn't want to understand or hear me out when I told him I was busy and usually didn't want to be bothered when I get home from work. He didn't want to hear this, now mix that with a man with entitlement issues and you have a unhappy man. I'd rather stay single and not date until I am ready for something serious.

Proud Sidechicks that love being a Mistress Part 1

I was recently cruising and clicking through some facebook groups and came across a post asking women what is their opinion on being a sidechick. Some women were appaulled, some where recovering sidechicks with regrets, but some were proud to have been sidechicks. There were a few women that bragged about being a sidechick and revealed all of the perks that came from being a sidechick. Usually money, not being obligated to him, and not having to do housework or cook everyday like the wife.

 I know everyone will say that a sidechick owes no loyalty to the wife, or a married man is the one that should be faithful. I understand the whole point of holding the man accountable. I blame the husband and the sidechick that is willing to spread her legs to a taken man knowing he is married, however, the married man is dead wrong. I blame him for playing with a woman's heart and playing on her vulnerability.

The problem with women that brag about being sidechicks, is that they live in an illusion that they are winning. Sidechicks convince themselves that they have the upper hand because the wife doesn't know that her man is cheating. A sidechick will think she is getting away with something because the husband is sneaking with her and not getting caught. It's all a game and a recipe for drama, pain, misery, wasted time and broken hearts.

The mistress/sidechick is not the only one at fault. Even if she knows that the man is married. I don't put all the blame on the sidechick. I totally blame the husband for being a liar and cheater. The sidechick is usually seeking love and companion. The married man uses that to manipulate her. Yes, man will always take advantage of a lonely woman that is seeking love and validation. A married man will use money, fake promises, and pity to pull a sidechick in. He may convince his mistress that he is so unloved, unappreciated in his marriage, and under marital stress. He will convince his sidechick that he is only with his wife out of obligations. Obligations such as children, financial reasons, or the marriage itself. The truth is, if a man is so miserable or so unhappy he will walk. Even if it cost him a lot, most men will not tough it out with a woman if they are miserable. Men walk away from their families everyday. This is just a man playing pity games to convince his sidechick that he would leave the wife, but..... he cant. He will convince and manipulate his sidechick into thinking that he is in love with her and the wife is the only bridge standing in the way. This is mind manipulation that women fall for. I've heard women say how much they love a married man, or talk about how hard the married man has it when he goes home. The fell for the pity and sad marital stories.

The married man doesn't love his sidechick or wife. He's only good at convincing them, that he loves them. The truth is, the man is in love with himself and using women to boost his ego and satisfy his sexual appetite. The sidechick refuse to accept that she is being used and will deny that her purpose is to fill a temporary void in a couples marriage. The sidechick will convince herself that the married man really love her and really wants to be with her. This is the effect a conniving manipulating man has on a vulnerable woman. I really hate to see sidechicks getting played, lied to, and mislead by a married man. Even if they put themselves in a position to be used, I still had to see a woman get played. The cold part is that you can't really convince a sidechick that she is just a sex object and something to keep a married man occupied until he goes home to his wife.

The Advice I wish was Given to Me in My Young Adult Life

There are many things that I wish someone would have told me when I was growing up especially in my young adulthood. I probably would have not taken all the advice, because we as younger people sometimes wanna make mistakes on our own. Our egos can be so fragile that we will not allow anyone to offer guidance or advice until it's too late. Many of us were manipulated by men that were not good for us, or spent to much time at dead end jobs that only made us tired and over stressed.

Advice to my younger sisters:

1.Love yourself first. You must take pride in yourself and let others see that you value yourself. Especially those of the opposite sex. Showing that you value your body, and your safety will force men to treat you with respect. A man should know that you value yourself and your are not just a toy to be played with.


2.Stop chasing love and romance. Love will find you when the time is right. You cannot force a relationship with someone and you cannot make a person love you. The right man will love you and want to be in your company. No need to appear to look desperate. Men can smell desperation and they will use it against you.

3.Be very careful about the friends that you keep. Many friends are not really friends .They are there to use you, abuse you, and demean you. Everyone that plays nice and smile in your face is a real friend. Many people will try to befriend you just to compete with your or to keep you close so they can use you under the disguise that "they got your back"


4.Stop wasting valuable time. Work on things that will improve your life. College, hobbies, classes and time alone for your own mental health. For example, if you work a full time job and have children, you may not have a lot of time. You have to be very particular about who you give your valuable time with. Improve your life for you, whether it's starting a business, learning a skill, or finishing college to obtain a better career.

Baby Moma vs Wife

I will start off by saying that a man should not allow his gf/wife to feud with his ex/mother of his child. Children should never be put in the middle of arguments and feuds. A good man will not play women against each other. Everyone should be responsible when going into a new relationship or ending an old relationship when children are involved.

It is often assumed that the ex/baby momma is jealous of the new relationship a man has with his new spouse. In some cases, the new gf is jealous of the baby momma because she is in the man's life permanently or at least until the child is 18 years old. A man will change girlfriends, sex partners, even wives over and over but the child and the child's mother are permanent. This can bring tension to a girlfriend because she knows that the ex and the child will always be in the man's life. Some women even look at the ex/baby momma as the other woman because the man has to interact with her. I hate that women think this way, it is unhealthy and unnecessary.


There are women that see the ex and the child/children as competition that will never go away. If you are a new girlfriend to a man with children, stay out of any drama between that man and his ex. After you depart from that man, he will still be attached to his child/children. You may be temporary. Chances are, you will not be in his life forever, that is the reality. So many women have regrets after investing in a man that was only temporary. I've had friends, co-workers and neighbors tell me how they got involved with a man that had a crazy relationship with the mother of his child/children. In the end, they were exhausted after a temporary situation that didn't result in a concrete relationship. My advice to all women..... You should never have to fight a man's battles with any of his ex's or baby mommas. A man should be responsible enough to fix any issues before he tries to court another woman. That might sound unrealistic for some, but a lot of stressful situations could and should be avoided.

In some situations, a man will encourage the feuding because it make him feel like a prize that two women are competing over. Some men use these unfortunate situations to feed his big ego. There are women that will play right into this and fight without realizing they are only building up his ego by playing a silly game of tug a war. A real man would never allow his ego to cloud his judgement.
For the record, I hate using the term "Baby Momma".

Black Women criticized for having high expectations in a Man

This may sound cute in the beginning, trying to prove to a man that you only want his love and time. These women claim that all they need is time, love and attention. Even if you don't require a man to pay your bills or rent, he should still have steady income and some form of education or skills to fall back on. Black women have been submitting to struggle love for too long. Too many sistas think they are not qualified to date a man that is financially stable or educated. When I hear a woman say, or a woman make a facebook status about only needing a man for time and love; I assume that she doesn't know her self-worth and think she is only worthy of a broke struggling men.

It's heartbreaking to see so many women that don't believe they are worthy of a good stable man with an education/career.
I'm positive, that these women do want a good qualified man, but in order to lure a man in, they feed them lies about only wanting his love and nothin else. I never hear men say things like " I don't want her pussy, I just want her love and time" or "I don't require anything from her, but love and attention". Women are using this fake "struggle Love" as a way to get the attention of men. Stop lying to these men. You need more than just love. If you are giving a man your time, heart, feelings, vagina, he should be bringing more than just attention. Stop creating the illusion that women don't need anything but love. Men do not start out loving your or giving you all of their time, so how can any woman only request those things.

The last thing that Black women should do is teach our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, and little sisters, is to only require love and time from a man. Love will not fix the car, love will not keep the electricity going, love with not put food in the pantry. Stop lying to these men. There are other ways to attract men besides lying and feeding them a fraudulent fantasy of not needing anything. A man is not giving you love from day one. Usually their goal is to get you in bed. So stop having low standards and tricking our black men into believing that they can come with nothin but love and attention.