Why do women feel obligated to forgive our abusers

I came across something on Facebook that really made me angry to the point that I had to respond several times. It was a woman that was shot five times by her brother, which left her without an eye. Her brother was facing 45 years in prison, but the victim went to court and spoke up for her brother. Yes, this woman went to jail and spoke to the judge. Her brother got a lesser sentence. The man that nearly killed her and left her permanently damaged didn't have to do the 45 years that he was initially  facing. Her reason for forgiving her brother was that he was drunk. She doesn't believe that he would have shot her if he wasn't under the influence of a substance.

What bothers me about this whole situation is that women feel obligated to forgive men so easy. Especially black woman. This is rooted in religion. Black women are taught at a young age to forgive no matter what. No matter what a man does, we are taught to forgive and endure whatever pain was inflicted on us. Far too many women were taught to endure mental and physical pain caused by men. Our brothers, spouses, and fathers.We have been told to forgive and forget no matter how bad the abuse is, and no matter how it leaves us physically and mentally damaged.

This woman is left without an eye, and people are saying that her story is inspirational because she forgave her brother. Why is forgiveness always benefiting the person that caused harm? This young woman, like most woman, are taught to excuse the bad behavior of men, especially men in our families. This is not an inspirational story, this is a tragic story.

Generational Depression, the Saga of Pain will Continue

Many of us come from a family full of people that battled mental health problems. Whether it was depression, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, or addictions. Many of us come from a family that suffered while self medicating and self sabotaging. We may not have known what was going on exactly, growing up among family members with mental health problems, but we knew there were some toxic people.

 Nobody spoke about seeing a counselor, going to therapy or taking psych medication. In Urban Communities, we are told to just turn it over to God and keep praying. Or, let it go and pray. These methods have not improved our lives or our communities. We are suffering and it is being passed down from generation to generation. It is a curse. If you look at many families, there is a generational curse that is being buried over and over and people are suffering. We become comfortable and absorbed in our suffering. Suffering and pain becomes a part of life and we expected. So we don't talk about it or complain about. Therefore we won't admit that we need help for our conditions. It impossible to get help, of you don't know you have a problem. Many of our families in the Black Community have a family history of depression and we don't recognize and actually see pain and suffering as a way of life. Some of us come from families that have cases of molestation, teen pregnancies, addictions and mental health problems that are going unresolved from generation to generation.

We saw individuals drinking, smoking and over eating to mask pain and depression. This was all normal to me. Growing up as a child, I just thought that people liked to drink, smoke, and engage in certain activities. I couldn't connect the dots and see that maybe they were trying to escape pain and abuse. 

 Mental health is still a taboo subject in urban communities. People are ashamed and fear being ridiculed for asking for help. Most individuals will go through their childhood and adulthood without being diagnosed because they don't want to be called crazy or sick. The truth is, the more we try to suppress our mental health problems with drugs, sex and over spending, we will never get down to the truth. We will never get to the core of the problem and dissect what is going in within us.

This pain continues be recycled down from generation to generation. If we do not seek therapy, closure, support groups, we will only pass the pain down to our children and grandchildren. We will only get worse as long as we self medicate. We must observe our children and listen to their needs. We cannot mute our children when they are going through issues at school, with their friends or their fears about the future. We cannot be afraid to put our children into counseling session or get our children grief counseling when they lose a loved one. We have to be the shelter for our children and watch for early signs of Mental Health problems and substance abuse. We cannot pretend like problems will fix themselves or just hand it over to our spiritual beliefs.

Women are proudly refusing to Submit to their men

The obsession that men have with making women become submissive doormats is a bit irritating. I come across so many meme's about independent women not cooking for their men, or strong women with degrees that refuse to clean for their men. We currently live in the year 2019. We are not living in the 1950's, back when the man was the bread winner because women were less likely to get hired or get loans to start their own business.

I will not submit to a man simply because he has XY chromosomes. I will not submit simply because a man has a penis and produces semen. I will not submit simply because a man is psychically stronger or taller in height. Some men think that having a submissive woman is their birth right. There are men walking around that actually think that because they have a penis, that women are suppose to cater to their needs and obey their commands just because. Men are still in denial about how the world has turned and why women are no longer weak submissive lap dogs. These men want a woman that will not question them when they've been out cheating all night. They want their women to be delayed and not use common sense in order to keep her man comfortable and content. Men want a submissive woman that will go along with whatever he dishes out, just to keep a false sense of peace in the house.

In my experience, submissive women become dependent on their spouse and never question anything or use their own judgement. 

Non submissive women are considered combative, loud, too independent, or too outspoken. Men are looking for a woman that they can control and over power. They want to control a woman's thoughts, the way she dresses, the way she spends her money and the way she uses her sexuality. 

Women are proudly refusing to submit, some even refusing to get into relationships. Women shouldn't have to be treated like a child, in order to make a man feel masculine. Women should not have to be mute in order to not sabotage a man's sensitive ego. Women are becoming more aware of their value and worth, and are refusing to submit to an unworthy man simply because of his testosterone. Unfortunately we have men that believe that women should submit to them just because. Not because they are wealthy providers, or because they are educated and established. Men actually believe that having a penis make them worthy of being a leader and having a submissive follower.

Should single mothers work and attend college

This has been a touchy topic all over social media and within our communities. Should single mothers work and attend college?
Can single mothers work, raise children and attend college? I say yes. With another Yes! And another Yes!!! Obtaining a degree, license, or certificate doesn't take a lifetime. There are Weekend colleges, online classes, as well as night courses. Colleges are now more flexible and usually most classes can be taken at home in private. Some classes only require a few hours per week, which gives a mother more time for herself and meeting the needs of her children.
A working mom, can study at the table while her children are studying. See a mother read, and complete assignments will encourage children to read and spend time studying. Children usually are inspired to see their parents working and taking on new challenges. The goal is to become educated, start a business or get a better job. Having an education will open doors to better career opportunities such as promotions and management positions. Some mothers are increasing their skills and knowledge to start a small business so that they can have a flexible schedule for their children.

So many people are triggered after watching Surviving R.Kelly

Surviving R. Kelly was very sad, sickening, and painful to watch for most viewers. For some, the show was just highlighting the wrong doings of a Musical Superstar. For many, the show Surviving R. Kelly brought back painful memories of childhood trauma and neglect. Surviving R. Kelly is a trending topic that really got people speaking out, debating, and pointing fingers. Some people want to blame the parents, the music industry, while some blame the underage girls for putting themselves in the presence of a predator. I blame the abuser. I blame any adult that abuses underage children and take advantage of anyone sexually. Not only is R. Kelly being accused of being a pedophile, he is accused of being violent and mentally abusive to women. For years allegations have been whispered, but because R. Kelly has put out some chart topping music, people have let his talent outshine everything, and have giving him the benefit of the doubt.

This is very triggering for victims. This is a reminder that child abusers are currently walking free and often are never punished. Many child molesters and woman abusers are not brought up on chargers because they intimidate their victims. Many victims have to walk with the guilt, shame, and trauma after being sexually abused. R. Kelly has used his status to dominate women and break them down spiritually and mentally. This happens so much in our communities and families. Uncles, Grandfathers, stepdads and other relatives sexually abuse children in the family and they get away with it. Sometimes because the child is too afraid to speak out, or because the family doesn't want the pubic to know that they had a child molester in the home. For example, a mother may cover up sexual abuse in her household because she doesn't want Child protective services and other social services in her business. She may not want Law Enforcement investigating her household. These are just a few reasons why abusers get away with abuse on children.

These children have to walk through life with permanent mental scars and traumatic memories that will continue to resurface. Social media has been fueled with triggered people that are still recovering from child abuse, sexual abuse, and other forms of mental abuse. Some people will never recover and don't know how to deal with the mental scars. Some people have blocked out years of abuse, but were triggered while watching the 6 hour series of Surviving R. Kelly. The triggering brings back painful memories.

Statutory Rape Cases, and why are we overlooking it(Part 1)

Statutory Rape is a subject that is often shoved under the rug in many communities. Young girls that are having sex with grown men and making babies. I've this happen throughout my childhood. I witnessed grown men laying down with teenagers and it seemed so normal. A 25 year old man with a 16 year old high school girl seemed so normal. A 22 year old man with a 15 year old girl was a common couple. It was very rare that people showed concern for teen girls having relationships with grown men. Girls knew how to hide these illegal relationships from their parents. Most parents (usually single mothers) are too busy working to notice their daughters are having relationships with grown men. Men see younger women as vulnerable and easy to mislead. A young girl that is seeking love and attention is easy prey for a grown man that is in a predator mode. A man that preys on underage girls is a predator. Even if the girl is built like a woman, dresses like a grown woman, and has older friends........She is still a child and has the mind of a child. Most teens don't realize they still think like children. Teens girls want to be grown so bad and feel independent, they don't realize they are easy prey to predator men. Predators have been getting away with sexually abusing teens because the teens are willing to be abused. Teenage girls don't know they are being abused. That's why these men that seek out teenage girls don't get charged in court. Nobody comes forward and bring these men to justice.

When I was in high school, grown men would hang around high schools and walk the malls when they knew high school girls would be present. Predators would hang around places that attracted teens and would flirt, and ask for phone numbers. Even if the girls were teens, this would motivate the men because they knew these girls were very easy to manipulate and looking for compliments and attention. These type of predators don't get addressed and will continue to sleep with teens. These sick dirty predators will continue to attend high school foot ball games and parks to seek out young vulnerable girls.

Men really love, need, and admire Strong Black Women

The "Strong Black Woman" phrase has often been associated with violent, loud, ghetto, rude, or masculine Black Women. People have taken the phrase "Strong Black Woman" and have coined it into something to be ashamed of. Men claim they resent "Strong Black Women" because of the negative traits that come with "Strong Black Women".

The same men that despise "Strong Black Women" really admire our strength and wish to have one in their life. Men want a strong, sane, financially independent woman.

Depending on which day of the week it is, men in the Black Community are complaining about women not submitting, then complaining about a woman should be going 50/50 on bills and rent Men need a "Strong Black Woman" to step in when he lose his job. When a man is sick, he need a strong woman to take care of him and see that his needs are taken care of. When the family is suffering financially, a man need his woman to stand up and be strong. Maybe even hold down the house until finances are back in order. Men act like they have this obsession with women submitting to them and their needs. The truth is, a submissive wife is a wife that needs to be taken care of. Mostly financially. So, all this crap about we hate "Strong Black Women", or "Strong Black Women" are dominate, overbearing and they emasculate their men, is just some rhetoric that men came up with to shame women and play victims. The truth is, Black Women were forced to take leading roles. We were forced to step in when fathers, brothers, and uncles went to prison, died, or abandoned the family. Black women were forced to stand up and take care of every member in some households. We all know a grandmother that took on more work and died early due to being forced into a strong position for the family. That took strength, commitment and work. It took a "Strong Black Woman"

Polygamy as a sexual Fantasy in the Black Community

Women sharing a man in the community has become acceptable amongst many for years. It is the norm for a man to entertain multiple women, with more women being comfortable with this modern day love triangle. Men are using mind manipulation and control to have their women in pairs. This is modern day polygamy. What is this you might wonder?
This is a man that has convinced two or more women that he is capable of loving them, while sharing his mind, heart, body and soul. These men can manipulate two women into believing they should share him, and in return they both get to have a man. These men are using every fear tactic possible to convince women that they should share a man. They usually tell women that they will be alone if they don't accept modern day polygamy. They also convince women that they will struggle alone if they don't share their men. Some even tell the women that if they have high self esteem and confidence, they can share a man. They brainwash women into thinking that sharing a man makes her a confident strong woman.

Women will fall for the trick. The man will always come out on top. He can have his sexual needs fulfilled by more than one woman. He receives mental support, from more than one women. He is usually the center of attention and gets to enjoy everything in variety. The man is able to manipulate these women and play them against each other at his convenience. These women are expected to give 100% while the man gives whatever he wants at the time. While he has access to more than one woman, the women are in line waiting for attention and love. The women have to wait until he is available, but she is expected to be there around the clock for her man she is sharing. It is all a sexual Fantasy and Fetish for the man in the center of this love triangle.

Black Women supporting Men in Prison (part 2)

Black women in our black families will continue to support for black men in prison regardless of why they are locked up. I've spoken to men personally that spent years in jail, and sadly some will admit that they got the most support while in prison. Momma sending her boys money and packages to make sure they are comfortable behind the walls. I spoke to an old classmate 3 years ago that told me, "the only time I get help is when I'm locked up".

This happens in many black families. Grandmothers neglecting bills in order to send money to her grandson or mothers stretching out money to make sure her precious son in the County jail doesn't have to struggle. Prison is suppose to be uncomfortable, it's suppose to be punishment for crimes. Nobody should get comfortable in prison, but so many black women will ensure they inmate lovers or inmate sons are comfortable There are men living better in jail, then they do outside of jail because the black family spoils men in prison. There are grown men sitting in jail waiting for packages and money so they can eat good and have name brand toiletries.

This is not a good example for our next generation. Children will grow up and believe that life is not so bad behind bars because they saw men in prison receive so much help. When my brother went to prison (over 20 years ago,) he was treated like royalty. Everyone in my family felt sorry for him. They treated him like a victim and made excuses as to why he was arrested. Family members that had never offered any help before, wanted to get his prison address to send him letters and money. After doing a year, he came home and explained that prison wasn't so bad because he had everything he needed while locked up. He was only 17 when he was locked up and bragged about all the money he received and all the letters and cards he received. This is an example of how black women take care of men while locked out.

Polygamy in the Conscious Community a Fetish or Rebuilding Black Families (part 1)

It is no secret that the black family structure is almost non-existence. Some men and women in the "conscious community" believe that Polygamy is the only way for every woman to have a man in the home and children to have a father. Some believe that Polygamy is the only way to nation build and bring the black family together. When I say Nation Build, I mean the black community being self-sufficient and families having their own resources to live on such as land, property, and foods.
I see this living arrangement as a way for men to have more than one woman in the house and have all of his sexual desires achieved while selling innocent women a dream.

Men are telling women that bringing an extra woman into the home will bring extra income or another home maker so that the wife/gf doesn't have to do as much work. If two women are working, cleaning, taking care of children and paying bills, this makes life easier for the man. The man who is head of the household usually requires submission from the women. There are several different ways a Polygamy arrangement operates, but for the most part, the man has multiple women helping him and sleeping with him. I honestly believe that this works in 3rd world countries were the women don't own land or have access to necessities like food, water, clothing or medical care.


As far as Polygamy goes, in other countries, the man is the provider for the entire family and doesn't require the other women to have sexual encounters with him. The main goal is to be a provider and make sure that all of the children have a father in the home. Within certain groups in The United States, this has turned into a sexual fetish where the man is allowed to bring another woman into the home for threesomes and other sexual encounters. Men are convincing women that they cannot be faithful, so bringing another woman into the home will stop him from going out an whoring around. Most women know that this is just another way for a man to convince a woman to allow the side chick into the home. Now, they don't have to sneak out to get extra pussy, he can just move the extra pussy into the house under the disguise that it's to better the family. If a family is living good with this arrangement, it is not up to me to tell them to stop living in their Polygamy arrangement. But when you have the random dude making 20k a year that can barely pay a mortgage convincing his wife that they can take in another woman, something is wrong. If your finances and credit is that bad, the last thing on your mind is bringing in another family. If a man doesn't have his own resources such as wealth, land, property, and vehicles, he will only bring another woman into the home to struggle.

The Overworked Depressed Black Woman

Depression has been a another taboo subject within the black community for as long as I can remember. Especially for women. We all knew of a grandmother in the neighborhood that had a house full of children and grandchildren, overworked and unappreciated. Or the mother that has to work, take care of children, then come home and cook and cater to an ungrateful husband. Let's not forget about the single mother that is overwhelmed, exhausted but has to present her kids with the image of being supermom. Oh, let's not forget the woman struggling through college, working, and paying bills at home and being a care giver to younger siblings or a parent.

Many of our sisters are overwhelmed and depressed. Tired and deflated with stress and constant worry. Worrying about bills, work, children, health, the future, and lost dreams. We walk around with a smile and kind words when we are greeted, but we are carrying bulks of steel in our soul. Tears remain on the inside, while we wear a smile so that we don't have to constantly tell the world what is wrong. So many of us are dying on the inside, carrying enough dead weight to smothering our spirits.


I've witnessed so many sisters suffer and struggle with Depression as well as other mental Health problems. I'm sure we all know of someone that battled post partum depression. Or maybe you or someone that you know wake up everyday wishing they would have stayed asleep. Many women, especially mothers in the Black Communities are battling depression everyday but smiling to hide all the pain and hurt. We as women work hard, take care of children, and attend to the needs of people around us. Being a working mother, are job is never done. It is rare for a working mother to take a break without feeling guilty or hearing the complaints of others. Women are usually working so hard continually without taking care of themselves. We usually have to put our health issues to the side in order to keep our family running. We can't complain too much, because complaining doesn't make matters any better.

Growing up, I was always taught that prayer was the answer to everything
Bills overdue? You better pray!
Running low on food? You need to get down and pray?
You feel pain in your back? Well, start praying!
Problems in the family? Girl, you know what to do, Pray all them problems away.

Did Welfare replace black fathers, or did fathers abandon their families by choice

Many people believe that the welfare system was set up to put black men out of the home so that black women would suffer and suffer in poverty. There are conscious community followers that believe black women put good black men out of the home in order to get food-stamps and cash aid from the government. My question is: Why would a woman put out a good hardworking man that she loves to suffer in poverty?

 I can't say that welfare was set up for this reason. Welfare was not started for black women. We need to stop believing these lies that the government wanted to give black women welfare so that the father/husband could be put out of the home. Many women needed welfare to survive when the husband died, abandoned the family, or when times got too hard and money was not available. There were women that lost their husband in death and had no insurance, as a result they had to sign up for welfare. There were men that chose drugs, crime or other women over their family.

The excuse for women being on welfare only makes the absent father or negligent husband look good. Now, a worthless no good man can leave his family, then tell the world that he was put out because of welfare. No woman is putting out a good hard working provider for crumbs. If your wife is willing to divorce you for some crumbs and some food stamps that come on an ebt card once a month, chances are, you were not providing. We need to stop with the excuses and face the facts and deal with the truth. Fabricating the truth will not change the facts. Many women needed welfare back then, and still today because they need help financially. I don't agree with welfare being a long term income, but there are women that would be homeless and hungry if it wasn't for welfare. Furthermore, the welfare system doesn't allow women to stay on the system forever. Women are encouraged to attend school, ready for work programs, or learn a trade There are time limits. No women or man can depend on welfare because there are time limits to how long you can receive assistant. We are not living in the 1960's. Things have changed.